(no subject)

I havebeen trying to not pass any certain judgement on a certain person lately. But I cannot help but that think that my gut instincts are right. Do you not realise that you are playing with peoples emotions? That you are crossing your welcome lines. Are you even interested in the people you are using?

Phone App

So I have finally found an android app for livejournal. Lets see if this compels me to write more. I hope so. I mean I lurk on here enough.

(no subject)

I am happy to say that this morning I was able to talk to Shane about what I had been holding back. That I felt that I was quite selfish in our relationship. I realize I was keeping that pent up. Waiting for one of his open minded moments. It was a relief to tell him.

It doesn't happen often, and it's only when we have good amounts of time to spare. But we lay in bed. And we are just open. About anything and everything. We call eachother out on our faults. And sing our praises. It's easiest to be honest during these true philosophical moments because there isn't the usual emotions that make things hard to talk about. It's just honesty, and truth.

He talked about how his insecurity issues with himself get thrown upon me. And how he realized it wasn't good, and he apologized. He said that is angry reactions were something that was just a knee jerk. I told him I was glad that he was this state of mind. And I let him have it. I said that I felt like I didn't deserve him. That I feel selfish to be with him. When a relationship like ours is so good, I can only imagine what a real soul-mate would hold for him. He couldn't really look me in the eyes as I was saying this. About how I thought my self silly, that in the BEST moments of our relationship, I consider ending it. Because there must be more out there.

Blah blah blah the talk went on. He was worried I wanted to break up. I told him I was too infatuated with him. And far too in love to do that. No matter how much I thought I was holding him back. And he assured me I wasn't. We've promised eachother that if we believe there is a chance to find someone EVEN BETTER for either one of us out in the word, that the second we know it we will part ways.

How weird that talking about breaking up could be sooooo calm. So comforting? I know that sounds silly but it is. It was simple. It was logical. And it was loving.

....not to say I hope that day doesn't come. I feel I would be quite lost without him.

I am glad there mornings such as this.
Where we can talk more intamatley and openly then most couples ever do or will.

(no subject)

I don't have the power to Change you.
I don't have the power to Calm you.
I don't have the power to Comfort you.

And that, it makes me feel like a failure.

(no subject)

I woke up tired and feeling old,
and I wondered why my bed was cold
and I thought could you have gone ?
and if so where and how long ?
and why would I let you go ?
why would i ever let you go ?
oh sometimes I tell my heart yes is no
like sometimes I wake up old and all alone
oh no what if I never knew your name
oh my god, the thought's insane
what if your love is not the same
as it seems inside my brain
what if your not really in my sheets
oh just the thought gives me the creeps...
I woke up young in lovers love
and I felt my luck, when I felt your touch
and my skin it wondered how
and my skin it wondered how
could you be touching me right now
when in my sleep you can't be found
oh somehow by something has carried our love through the years
and somehow i still carry on but in my fears...
oh what if I never knew your name
oh my god, the thought's insane
what if your love is not the same
as it seems inside my brain
what if your not really in my sheets
oh just the thought gives me the creeps...

oh no what if I never knew your name
oh my god, the thought's insane
what if your love is not the same
as it seems inside my brain
what if your not really in my sheets
oh just the thought gives me the creeps...
oh no just the thought gives me the creeps
oh no just the thought gives me the creeps

(no subject)

I lurked some journals today. Of girls out on tour with their best friends, working as merch girls, as planners. And oddly, seeing their pictures gave me a mini vacation. Something which might have been needed considering today. I day dreamed about being on tour with AIDs Free. And there was a wonderful lightness to the dream. A simplicity. And then I thought about how I react with the boys in reality. I don't get along with Chirs. Not very much atleast. It's insestant picking on me all the time. If not just being overy rude. I know I should take it all with a grain of salt, or WHATEVER. But it bothers me. It didn't really before. But as time is wearing on I don't like it. So what? Because I give you a reaction like a human and you've found a way to tweek with my emtotions it gives you reason to either be an ass, or just not nice? Shane had tried easing my mind, that Chris DOES like me. Atleast when put into judging with Shanes other ex's. I dunno.

Sometimes I wish things were like they were with my old group of boys. I fit in well with the boys I have now. But with the early ones... I don't know, it was just more effortless. I feel weird. That I have lost part of me, with having lost them. Me walking away from them to be more exact. But it's true. I feel like some of my capacity to love friends, and BE friendly stayed behind with them. I used to me RIDICULOUSLY attached. I would hug and kiss everyone. I LOVED physical contact. And now... when Bob or Jim go to hug me, I'm like.... whoa! What are we doing here! And that wasn't me 3 years ago. Yeah yeah yeah I hear you, we change. We grow up. We morph. But I sometimes wish I had that same trait. That trait of being amazingly easy to love. Just because I would put it all out there first.

In other news. I am making a resolution with myself. Or atleast I am aknowleding something I do not find attractive in myself and am trying to change it:
Before we went to 6 flags, I will admit I wasn't happy. Knowing that Whitney and Kimmy were going to be going. I was hesitant. Because I realize that when I am with other girls I try to adapt. I try to be something I am not. I talk different. I act different. I don't act like me. And before the trip I felt like I was going to tire myself over trying to fit in with Kimmy and Whitney. So I said to myself  "SELF! Now that you can see this horrible thing when it's happening, you can stop it! You don't have to be someone you aren't. And yes, that might take work, but you will be greatful after. I promise". And guess what? That's just what I did. I'll admit I started out the trip being what I thought I should act like around the girls. And I CAUGHT myself, and turned it around. I was ELATED to be me. And it wasn't a tiring experience like it is when I don't act like me! WHODATHUNK!?

It's a relief! My god it's such a release. I'm trying to be happy with who I am. And be okay that I don't have friends that are girls.... YET! Trying to be happy with the way I look. Which is coming along so much better everyday. And believing I have self worth, and that is coming easier too, now that I can see that most people are just putting on a big show and aren't being themselves.

I'm going to be happier than every before.
And I am going to be willing to take anything and everything anyone can offer me for friendship.

...I think...

I'm going to live as best I can.

(no subject)

I've written you a letter today. With too many weighted pages that I am ashamed to count. Maybe come this evening, I will know if I have the courage or want to send it or not.

(no subject)

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

I've been thinking about the idea of soul mates a rather lot lately.  For the past year, maybe more, I have led myself to believe that is was/am so in love, that I myself, have found my soul mate. And I've come to the hard reality that I haven't. While Shane and I are probably a better off couple then most we do have moments of fights. Well in all fairness there has only been maybe 3 fights that have lasted longer than a few hours. But the most recent of them, I harbored hurt over for a few days until I sat down and talked with him.

We discussed how he felt lonely in this world. That he knew for a fact he was alone. I took this harshly, and was angered that he didn't consider or aknowledge me in part of his world. We disscussed how he felt we weren't exactly soulmates. But we had indeed seen eachother souls. And while I have never voiced it aloud, I wanted to scream quits, right then and there. Not for the sake of myself. But for the sake of him. Even now I feel selfish, to be dating him. For calling him mine. I'm sure at this point in time it doesn't bother him that we are together in a relationship. But ever since he's been on this philosophical kick, which was been about the past year and a half, I feel like he deserves to expierence everything. Especially because he seems to actually notice things and be in tune, not just take the face value everyone else does.

This disscussion took place a few months ago. Maybe a month before he left for tour, with AIDs Free. While he was gone I had maybe about 2 dreams where I had broken up with him. In the dreams I explained that it wasn't that I felt any less love for him. I just didn't want him to waste time, with someone who wasn't 'the one'. And that was that. He would leave in the dream. I was easy to leave.

I'm not sure what the point of this whole blog it supposed to be. Maybe just to let loose. I find it hard in situations like these when I don't have another girl to talk to. All I know that is yet again I am at a standstill with my life. My mother was joking the other day about 'when are you and Shane going to get engaged?'  I laughed, because first off, I don't want to be engaged or married ANYTIME SOON. But the thought of Shane actually proposing to me crossed my mind. Which is odd that it never had before. But while thinking it over, I contemplated what I would say at this point in time. And I realize, I would say 'no'. I don't know maybe my mom asking that has sent my head spinnning.

I was recently looking at pictures of my grandparents. And if you asked me if they were soulmates I would adamantly say they were. Without a doubt in my mind. But with these recent revelations I guess I have to face the facts that there is a great possibility they weren't. That is to say if there is even such a thing as soulmates. And knowning this makes me sad. Because it was the norm to just date and marry whoever you had been with the longest. And in this day and age we are encouraged to go out and seek the other puzzple peice. But how many of us are in tune enough to know the GENUINE thing? Maybe for most it's just deep infatuation mixed with the strongest love we would have felt to date. So then people marry this person who they share deep infatuation and love, all the time missing out on what might be the true 'one'.

kxzhfkjzdh BLAH! What do I know. What the hell is a soulmate? How many boyfriends do I need to go through before I've found him. I don't want to marry unless I am sure. I would just rather date casually throughout life. With a few serious prospects here and there.

But seriously what the hell am I looking for?! What am I missing? Why do I have to have such a ridiculous attachment to a boy who KNOWS I am not his? Why am I being selfish and letting this relationship continue when he can be out there looking for something better. Something that closer fits the bill?

I just want to know if it's really out there.
And what I have to look foward to if I even find it.

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”- Richard Bach


What would your 12 year old self think of the current you? Would they be impressed and/or appalled? Why or why not?


I'm trying to think of what my 12 year old self would think of the current me.  And it's funny to think what my overly chatty self would say. I think  my younger self would be happy that after 20 years of my parents mistreating me, I finally got up the guts/nerves to confront my mother about not having ever cared for me, and always pawning me off to my grandparents. My younger self would be amazed and want to know what brought along the change that gave me the courage to do so.

Myself would then have to know about Shane. I don't think little me would believe I would ever date someone so good looking. Or someone who could ever like me as much as he does. My younger self would yell at me and tell me that I couldn't and can't mess this up. My younger self would also be disappointed at the same time that I didn't date much through high school because of my utterly low self esteem. 

With little one then knowing about Shane, they wouldn't want to know how I met him. And that would lead to how I wasn't at home when my grandmother died because I was out with him. My younger self would be appalled. Crying. Confused. And want to know where I went wrong breaking the rules. And why I wasn't showing as much emotion as I should because she has passed away. I would have to explain that sometimes the strongest emotions are the ones you cannot show. That the most painful things you sometimes cannot cry over. Because it only hurts worse.

Then it would have to bring up the passing of my grandfather. And how any stable family I had left had dissipated. At this point I can imagine younger me wanting to die. Which is understandable. Considering some days I feel like that's all I want to do in case there is an after life and I can somehow see them.

I'd tell her I had once found a soul-mate in a friend of mine. But she was now gone too. A friendship and connection I don't think could be topped. I would explain it wasn't my fault she was gone. That people just come and go. And that even though I am upset for the loss, I shouldn't be. Because it was something that wouldn't be forgotten. And it's made you a better person, no matter how it's hurt your feelings that she is gone.

My younger self would only be more disappointed as the conversation moved on. She would be furious that because my grandparents passed away, any college money I had was taken out from under me. That I haven't been able to really attend any classes. That I didn't move to San Diego, and work at the Marine Biology center. She would be mad I hadn't moved out on my own yet. Mad at my lack of friends, if she knew how many I had through high school, and how little  I have now. She would be mad that I ever let Andy get so fa under my skin. And that I actually believed what I was growing through was heartbreak. HA! What a joke. She would be upset I never became a little bit prettier. Thinking I would look more like my grandma. She would be upset after hearing the story about Derek and I throughout high school, and ask why I was such a fraidy cat get in the way of what could have been a good relationship. After hearing that, she would want to know how I even let that friendship slip away.

One thing she would be happy with is that even to this day, I don't touch alchol. I don't smoke. And generally do not break the law. I still hold all the same morals, ideals, and ethics.

I would have to tell my self I am sorry. That this isn't where I expected to be either. But it really could be much much worse. That I am working on things getting better, and this isn't the end. And while it may not go all according to what my 12 year old self has wanted, I can assure that it's still something that makes me happy. We're going to get there some day, that's what I would say.